The River

Thursday, June 21, 2007


Biff: I’ve got it!

Billybob: Huh?

Biff: I’ve fucking got it.

Billybob: You’ve got what?

Biff: The answer. The answer to how we are finally going to make toast.

Billybob: Microwave?

Biff: Toast doesn’t come from a microwave! Never trust the MSM and the left. Hannity has been very clear about this. Devoted a whole show to it the other day. No, we are going to have toast right here, from that toaster that you paid $19.95 for. Come over here and kneel down with me, brother. You know they hate us for our toast, right?

Billybob: Right. Right. Wait, what toast?

Biff: The toast that made this country great. Back before, you know, the catastrophic event.

Billybob: The toaster attack of 01. Gawd. Why? Whyyyy?

Biff: White bread. It makes them crazy. They can’t understand it. And they want to end it. By taking down the toasters, they think people will turn to pita bread. Or naan.

Billybob: But we can still eat white bread, even without toasters. I don’t get it.

Biff: That’s just it. They’re devious. They want you to lose faith. First they come for your toast, then…

Billybob: My god… Sunbeam will be removed from the pages of history!

Biff: Exactly! If it’s not toasted, who really wants to eat white bread? You see how they zeroed in on our weakness? Our toasters. There we were, leaving them on our countertops, never imagining the hatred they caused. Just wanting to offer an option, dark? Light? If we give up, if we go with the so-called microwave toast touted by the left…[shudder]. You know they’ve been suppressing reports that indicate the latest bread browning strategies are beginning to show signs of progress. C’mon down here. Hold my hand.

Billybob: Urrrmph.

Biff: Be strong, brother, your knees will last.

Neighbor: Biff, Billybob, wasup guys?

Billybob: Uh, can we have toast again? Please? I don’t want to eat that non-bread. It don’t make no sense.

Biff: Get up, idiot. It’s our neighbor.

Neighbor: Bahhhaaa. What are ya’ll doin? Praying in front of your toaster? I must have missed the talking points on that one.

Biff: Yeah, well bullshit walks, and talking…uh. Fool me once, asshole.

Neighbor: Ah, another toast episode, huh? Don’t tell anybody, but I use the grill. I get toast, and I get to stand outside and enjoy a beer.

Billybob: Bullshit! You eat p…p..pita!

Neighbor: Dude, it doesn’t turn you into one of “them” to say it.

Billybob: Damn straight! I can’t eat that shit, and on one’s going to make me.

Neighbor: And how could they? What kind of resources do you think they have?

Biff: They attacked our toasters! All heating elements disabled!

Neighbor: Yeah, well, I don’t want to blow your little mind on how that was actually pulled off.

Biff: Get lost, nutcase.

Neighbor: With pleasure. I’ll just leave you with this Internet report on Wonder Bread. Serious ties to the administration. You know we hit peak white bread demand in the 70s, don’t you? By engineering a false flag attack on America’s toasters, Wonder Bread will increase demand through nationalistic appeals and a nationalist struggle for toast, a struggle that will never end. In the meantime, a bogus war provides opportunities for divide and rule, an absurd war for the right to dictate your already unhealthy eating habits, while the populace slowly goes insane and they make off with the country’s treasure.

Biff: Go eat your pita bread, loser!

Billybob: And take yer conspeercy theories!

Biff: Heh. Indeed. Now, where were we?

UPDATE: Toasted, world leader edition

Yo. Seen Angie around?


Angie Murca. She's hostifying this wingding, I'm told.


hehe. naan. always the fuckin' naan.

saw you got a lil nod in bageant's book. cool beans.
never get out of the god-damned boat.

re: Bageant's book, wow. I'll have to check that out.
oh, so you didn't know? anyway, your blog url is mentioned in the acknowledgements, along with a few others.
Uh, toast?

Well, I note you've been posting more since last I visited, and based on your review, I wish I had made the Darwin's gig w/ you guys.

Anyway, in town this WHOLE week, so maybe I'll see you tomorrow?
forget it. he's rollin.

you woulda loved Slim.

I'll have to check on tomorrow. I'll call ya.
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