The River

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

"House of Palin" Finale Breaks Records

The season finale of Fox's smash hit "House Of Palin" garnered a record 58 million viewers Thursday evening, becoming the most watched television show in American history. The wildly successful reality program, which chronicles the foibles and follies of Vice President Sara Palin and her whacky family, became an instant sensation when it debuted shortly after Mrs. Palin took office last year.

Last night's episode resolved several cliffhangers and closed with surprise appearances by President McCain and Lindsay Lohan. An overnight New York Times-CBS poll found that 77 percent of viewers were pleased that Bristol Palin quit her job as an Applebee’s waitress and decided to finally pursue her dream of becoming a Formula One racecar driver. Warrior, her rambunctious two-year old son, will make the move to North Carolina with his mother. But his father Levi will continue to live in the Naval Observatory basement. Bristol and her husband have not been on speaking terms since he was caught selling the Vice-President’s undergarments on Ebay.

The poll also found that Track Palin’s approval rating plummeted from 70 to 6 percent overnight. Viewers were outraged that the brooding Iraq War veteran, in a fit of rage, killed a neighbor’s barking dog with a surface to air missile, producing a dangerous, half-acre blaze that took the fire department over 24 hours to extinguish. Police officers arrived at the Naval Observatory to arrest Mr. Palin, but President McCain, citing the Country First Act, immediately exonerated Track and ordered DC police to leave the premises. As the police were leaving, Mr. Palin stood bare-chested in the driveway, raised a middle finger and shouted, “suck this” while clutching his genitals.

Willow Palin embarked on a solo-hunting trip in Alaska, where the 14-year-old continued to impress viewers with her grit and resourcefulness. In a dramatic, tense moment, Ms. Palin climbed an snowy embankment and came face to face with a 700 pound buffalo. When the beast approached, Ms. Palin let out a high-pitched warrior shriek and charged the buffalo, driving a knife made of stone deep into its chest. She then devoured the animal raw, reducing it to bones in less than five minutes.

Vice President Sara Palin has moved her approval rating amongst women from an already stratospheric 88 percent to an unprecedented 100 percent with her decision to file for divorce from her husband Todd. The Sara-Todd saga has captivated and divided viewers ever since Mr. Palin announced his plans to undergo a sex change operation and change his name to Destiny.

After the shocking news, the Vice President fell into a deep depression and spent nearly every day in bed, watching Passion of the Christ, eating moose paws and receiving pedicures from a rotation of secret service agents. In the months leading up to the operation, Destiny started wearing Jordache jeans, purple glitter and sassy half-shirts. He enrolled in beauty school part-time, but continued to discharge his duties as Second Gentleman. The Vice President felt conflicted over the decision to leave Destiny, struggling between her religion’s opposition to both divorce and sex change operations. But public opinion turned sharply against Destiny when he/she started openly dating the troubled actress Lindsay Lohan.

President McCain made a dramatic appearance last night when he and Vice President Palin boarded Air Force One and flew to Los Angeles, where they confronted Destiny and Ms. Lohan at the House of Blues on the Sunset Strip. With the rapper Snoop Dogg performing onstage and Ms. Palin trailing behind, the President strode purposefully through the crowd and into the VIP section, where Destiny and Ms. Lohan were ensconced in private booth, tongue kissing behind a wall of champagne. The President stormed up to Destiny and knocked all the champagne bottles from the table, while Ms. Palin stood behind him with her arms crossed. Then the President reached into his breast pocket and retrieved a thick packet of divorce papers. Snoop Dogg stopped rapping and the whole crowd turned and looked on in stunned silence. Once President McCain had everyone’s full attention, he slammed the divorce papers down on the table and said, “You’ve been served!” Vice President Palin kissed her index finger, touched her backside and made a “sizzling” sound. The crowd roared, cheering and shouting insults at Destiny and Ms. Lohan.

The ground-breaking finale closed with Snoop Dogg, President McCain and Vice President Palin performing several rap songs from Mr. Dogg’s platinum-selling album “Doggystyle.”

-- K.M. Breay, Open Salon, Editor's Pick

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