The River

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

Conservative 2000

For immediate release.

Washington, D.C., Nov. 11, 2002 -- Robotics has arrived! Robots can now perform much of the menial, tiresome labor of everyday life. And with the new Conservative 2000 robot from J&J Productions, you can even stop wrestling with complex, potentially disturbing, world events. Conservative 2000 has the answers! Keep this lifelike companion by your side and you will always have your position confirmed. With its advanced circuitry and servo-motor skills, it can even navigate stairways. It will take out your trash, make your morning coffee – even go to the polls for you on election day!

Feeling beset by limp-wristed liberals? Tired of running into situations where your worldview is challenged? Never fear, Conservative 2000 will deploy a barrage of talking points specially crafted by The Heritage Foundation. To keep the unit up to date, merely plug it into your cable or DirectTV outlet. The unit’s advanced sensors admit only Fox News and carefully selected pundit programming. (For best results, disable or eliminate C-Span from subscription packages.)

Take Conservative 2000 to parties and watch liberals scatter. For hours of entertainment, employ Moral Righteousness 3.0. One click on your remote control and Conservative 2000 kicks into overdrive, pretending to take the moral high ground while blocking undermining data at every turn.

For especially tenacious and/or judgement-impaired individuals, merely employ Conservative 2000’s Disablizer, a swift judo chop to your opponent’s larynx. Assault and battery? Not according to our trademark PublicMood research. However, should police be summoned by the weak, Conservative 2000’s Command&Control Affinity mode ensures law enforcement officers understand the dire nature of the liberal threat – guaranteeing your immunity to criminal justice!

Coming soon, Conservative 2000 upgrades: eyebeam lasers capable of detection and on-the-spot incineration of books by Al Franken, Paul Krugman, Molly Ivins, Michael Moore, Mark Crispin Miller, Todd Gitlin, Greg Palast, Naomi Klein, Barbara Ehrenreich, and Arianna Huffington.


No actual conservatives were harmed in the production of this product. No actual conservatives of the everyday variety were consulted. No research was performed. No marketing studies were conducted. To be honest, two guys had a blast at a party joking about CheneyIsRight. One thought he must be a devious software program designed by an evil genius in the Bush administration (take your pick). From there, it was one easy, alcohol-fueled leap to…Conservative 2000! The Hertiage Foundation was only too glad to help. Funding was absurdly easy to obtain.

Liberal 2000 has stalled in development due to lack of funding, plus a lengthy, debilitating and seemingly endless debate as to whether the words "confederate flag" should be a part of the programming. Look for it sometime in 2005, if we're lucky.

Conservative 2000 is a copyright of J&J Productions. Patent pending. For more information, call 1-800-000-0000. Industrial models available. Call for a fact sheet on prototype Dennis Miller 2002.

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